He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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