so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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