it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
