I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
