so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
