Umm I'm too high to move.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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