atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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