I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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