Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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