the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
two words: eviction party
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
