Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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