Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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