I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
