why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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