dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
