my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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