i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Randomize
