it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
