I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Randomize
