he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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