I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
