WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
