Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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