What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
