Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
