I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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