She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
