Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
