then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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