I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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