I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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