worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
