pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
