When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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