My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
