last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
