U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
