Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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