It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
