Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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