i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
