Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize