On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
