I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
