We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
