We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
