my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
