i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
