Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
