don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
