who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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