Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
