Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
