I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
