there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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