I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
