Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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