Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
