I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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