im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
